Let me start this by saying that whatever you currently do in the bathroom is fine. I’m not here to shame your hygiene habits. But I do want you to know that if you have never used a bidet, you are missing out. And by “you” I mean your butt.
If you are a human who poops, you probably agree that the clean-up is a pretty gross experience. Now imagine that you power-washed the area before you ever put your toilet-paper-wrapped hand down there. A bidet uses a targeted, pressurized stream to wash your booty so all you have to do is blot your butt dry. And if you have a disability, reach issues, or chronic pain that makes the blotting step difficult, skip it. Do whatever works best for you.
Washing with a quick blast of water may sound a little scary, but what if you could feel shower fresh every time you left the bathroom? And if you’re a period-having-human, a bidet will change your vagina’s life.
Traditionally, a bidet is a whole separate fixture in the bathroom–a low sink/toilet hybrid that you move to after your regular butt business is finished. But modern bidet attachments fit the toilet you already have and are a low-cost, low-commitment life upgrade. The simplest ones don’t even need to be plugged in–they are powered solely by the clean water coming directly from your bathroom pipes.
Here are a few affordable bidet attachments that will clean your butt without cleaning out your bank account. These take less than an hour and minimal tools to install (an adjustable wrench and some plumber’s tape will do the job, but maybe hire a taskrabbit if you’re not keen on getting on the floor) and are a total quality-of-life upgrade.
This is the bidet attachment that is currently on my own toilet. It has one dial for the spray (you choose the pressure) and the other washes the nozzle so you never have to worry about it getting gross. There’s another version (the 110 model, found here) that is a little cheaper and doesn’t have the self-cleaning feature.
This guy has dual nozzles–one for back and one for the front, if you get what I’m saying. (Side note: Some people prefer the dual nozzle for this, but I just lean forward and the main nozzle reaches the front just fine.) I was just in Texas for two weeks visiting friends and this is the bidet attachment they had. We all enjoyed our meetings with The Boss.
So this model also has dual nozzles, but it has the added appeal of hot and cold water. The previous bidets mentioned only attach to the cold water that normally supplies your toilet, while this model requires a link to hot water. That makes installation a little more difficult, especially if your toilet isn’t near your sink. If it’s too far, just stick with a cold water model–you get used to the temperature quite quickly.
If you are looking for a fully customizable butt-washing experience, you gotta go with one of the luxury bidet models like this one. It features a heated seat and your choice of spray patterns, including a pulsating option. It’s the massaging shower head of booty sprayers.
I’m a little bit of a bidet-evangelist in my real life. My mom came to visit this spring and had ordered a bidet for her bathroom before she had ever left. This thing will make your pooping life a little bit better, and why not give yourself that gift? Think of all of the money you’ll save on toilet paper.